Intrapath 2024-01-01 21:26:55

I wish there was a little more detail/specifics regarding the protagonist's first meeting with Jerry, especially since it's such a key moment at the end of the story as well. Something that makes those sorts of moments believable to me is when there are details that are so specific, they feel like they only could have happened in that precise moment. Maybe something happened that drew Jerry to go talk to the protagonist, or he mistook a part of the drawing for something wildly different, or Jerry told the protagonist that his drawing was really good *but* he said it in a peculiar way.

I also think you did a solid job of building up the cabin itself as a character, shifting and growing from a peculiar place to a malicious entity as the story went on.

I wish there was a little more uncertainty, build-up, and/or struggle before he went into those four rooms; if it had taken all those years for him to build up the courage to go in, it felt like the decision this time around came pretty easily. Hell, maybe the cabin could have fought him in some subtle-ish ways before he went in (i.e. microwave acting up, more furniture moving out of sight, etc).

Still, I think the reveals for what was in each of those four rooms made up for it well enough. Each part seemed to hint at a piece of the story behind Jerry and his disappearance or his relationship with the protagonist. I just wish there was more connective tissue between those 2 characters and the cabin; whether the cabin was a place they could both relate to in some way, either literally or metaphorically (unless there was and I'm a dolt and it's just completely going over my head)

Frankly, my morbid side wondered if the protagonist used that shotgun to blow his own head off after realizing how hopeless his situation was at the end, but I figure it's dark enough as it is!

JAMRIOT 2024-01-11 22:55:14

Great work, and thank you so much for participating!

You had a lot of great things going for you in this piece. I like the technique of repetition you use throughout (good person, thick as thieves, etc.) to reenforce the themes and mood of the story. This piece definitely had elements of horror that were done well, though I do wish the pacing towards the end was a bit more suspenseful. That being said, you've made a really engaging piece here that had me excited to continue reading it, and I would love to see you maybe expand this piece in the future or do more with it!

Again, thanks for your participation! Winners will be announced soon!

Ferstofus 2024-02-16 21:57:36

Well, I liked the IMO tense mood you painted with the subjectivity (the trains of thoughts, descriptions of sensations and judgements) and the story was spooky to me with the whole unsettling supernatural thing and the narrator's impressions on the events.

I felt the ending was confusing, is the narrator actually Jerry? If not, does that mean that, like, they got trapped in the house for 5 years? But are they dead then? Did they become a ghost or did they remain there for 5 years? If, for example, it said something like "...a good person no one WILL see in 5 years." to me it would be dramatic and make sense, the way it is I'm struggling to understand it. Rereading it it feels like some sort of self-made epitaph, if that's what you were going for I guess it works, I'd just recommend trying to make a gradual transition from the kind of writing of a 1st-person living of the events to the, let's say "cold enunciation of the unfolded reality", maybe try to convey an incrementally dead tone, apathy; I think you tried to create some transition with the second-last paragraph but I felt it was either too sudden or still had the emotions of the living, at first I thought the narrator was just thinking exasperatedly inside the room.

Also, on the part the narrator sees the bones and thinks "I found Jerry", I think their assumption of those being Jerry's kinda works in this context, but I'd personally try to showcase the narrator's desperation a little bit more to the point of drawing that conclusion, or maybe just write a lot of focus and/or thoughts on Jerry, something extra just to make it clear you're not spoiling your own author thoughts and they are indeed the character's. It makes sense to me if that was their assumption but I'm not sure every reader would see it that way. I think maybe this is just a matter of writing style though, so take this one with a grain of salt.

And the following things felt as unintentional/mistakes to me:
"...stays left untouched." (syntax error? Typo for "...was left untouched"?),
"My body felt warm in the freezing climate, so I decided to make use of the fireplace" (???),
"It seemed more lived in THEN any part of..." (than?),
"...no mold or anything clear INDICATION of its age" (indicating its age? or any clear indication?),
"...I hope its the ladder." (latter?),
"...I turned my gaze back to MY desk..." (Considering the context, THE desk? This one felt like author's thoughts instead of the character's)
"...I crocked..." (choked?)

Also, you seemed to use verb tenses interchangibly (...I turned...I freeze...I "crocked"...I turn...) and some uniformity for actions happening at the same time is recommended (whichever you prefer). For actions in different points in time, different tenses are fine, naturally.

Well uh, I said a lot but hopefully this helps you. Again, I still found this spooky and enjoyable, so great job!